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Crazy Rich Asians is basically the grown-up version of The Princess Diaries. Y’know … that movie where Anne Hathaway finds out she was actually born a princess and gets pulled into a fantasy world of luxury, money, and pretty dresses? Most of us have accepted the fact that we’ll never become the princess of a fictional European country. But the dream of marrying rich and being swept away in the arms of someone who’s dripping with money is still very much alive in modern society.
And Rachel Chu, the protagonist of Crazy Rich Asians, is about to learn – much to her surprise – that her boyfriend Nick can make that fantasy a reality. They’ve been dating for a year and Nick is ready to propose (like, has-the-ring ready to propose), before he tells Rachel that … oh yeah, he’s a billionaire and his family expects him to take over the real-estate investment business that made them all billionaires. That whole chill frugal-ish life they’ve been enjoying together for a year? That’s basically been a lie and he’s only now revealing to her what it would really mean to be in a relationship with him. Um. Whoa.
I think it’s pretty obvious that Nick (played oh-so-handsomely by Henry Golding), made a serious error by keeping so much information from Rachel. (Especially because he’s about to throw her to the freaking wolves by letting her meet his super judgy family without knowing all the tricky dynamics she’s about to face and by not giving her a heads up that her usual wardrobe won’t cut it in these circles.)
The super adorable red dress that apparently … would’ve made Rachel a laughing stock.
But most people aren’t the fictional Nick Young. Most of us aren’t secret billionaires. So we don’t need to sweat when to reveal the huge secret that Nick has. But all of us have a financial story and thanks to how taboo our society has made money, many of us keep that story a secret.
What’s Your Financial Secret?
Maybe you live in a modest house, drive a modest old car, dress simply, and don’t like fancy restaurants. But you’ve always earned a solid income and you’ve accumulated a lot in savings. It’s not something you can tell just by looking at you, but the bank account tells a different story. Or maybe you’re on the other end of the spectrum – maybe you’re a “$30,000 millionaire”: someone who drives a fancy car, wears fancy duds, and lives in a trendy part of town, but who is in debt up to their eyeballs to keep this façade going. Or maybe you’ve got six figures of student-loan debt. Or maybe you’ll inherit a couple million dollars when you turn 35. Whatever it is, we all have a financial story. And some are more dramatic than others.
If you’re embarking on a new relationship, when do you sit down for story time and spill the tea? Well … you’re not gonna like this. But the answer is: it depends!
But don’t scamper off just yet, because we can give you some guidelines.
When to Spill the Tea
First and foremost, you need to know thyself. What is it you’re looking for in a partner? Is frugality absolutely essential to who you are? Or on the flip side, would you be extremely disappointed to hook up with a life partner who didn’t enjoy spending on luxury things and experiences like you do? There are no right answers here – just what’s right for you. But if you don’t know what you want, you can’t decide what’s a good match for you.
Second, keeping in mind what you want, you should be paying attention to financial clues you’re getting from your significant other long before you sit down to have “the money talk.” You should be able to make a decent guess at their salary once you find out what they do for a living/where they work. And try to gauge how the spending you see stacks up to that salary. Are they a dog groomer who drives a Bentley and takes you to five-star restaurants all the time? Hmmm … we should have some questions. Don’t be creepy and sleuth-y about it, but keep your eyes open and pay attention. You should be able to get a pretty good read on what their lifestyle is like and whether it matches up with what you want.
Third, when revealing big headlines like “I’ve saved $1,000,000,” or “I have $200,000” in student loans, aim for the sweet spot of timing. Don’t come charging out of the gate with it on a first date. But definitely don’t pull a Nick Young and wait until you’re about to get engaged, either. Trust your gut and pick a time when you feel pretty sure that things are going well and maybe getting serious. That will be different for everyone, but six months is probably a good ballpark to aim for. By that point, you should feel comfortable talking about more serious topics, and you can say something like: “Finances are important to me and here are a few things you should know about me and how I manage money.”
Fourth, keep in mind that if you and your partner are not on the same page financially, you can maintain separate accounts and choose not to commingle your funds It’s a wonderful gift in life to have a partner who’s on the same page with you and whom you feel completely comfortable sharing your money with. But it’s not a requirement. Love comes in many different forms, and if you’ve found someone who’s made you happy but who happens to approach money differently than you do, all is not lost. Just be upfront and honest. Set parameters. Consider a prenup. But don’t let money ruin a beautiful relationship.
Go Talk – Right now!
The reality is, if you’re even thinking about these issues, you’re already way ahead of the curve. The most important piece of advice is to be open about money from pretty early in the relationship. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that you get along, so of course you’ll agree on big important topics like politics, religion, children, or finances. That is so not a given. So open those pretty little mouths and start talking!
